What should you give a man who has everything?

Penicillin

“For all those men who say, ‘Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?’ Here’s an update for you… Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it’s not worth buying an entire pig… just to get a little sausage.”

A guest from some foreign country was bragging that in HIS country there is 79 different ways to make mad passionate love.Ray listened patiently.  “That’s amazing.  Where I come from there’s really only one.”"Oh,” sniffed the Romeo, “just one?  And which way is that?”"Well, there’s a man and there’s a woman . . . “”Praise Allah!!! Number 80!!!”

Element Name: WOMANSymbol: WOAtomic Weight: (don’t even go there!)Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.Chemical properties: Very active. Often unstable. Possesses strong affinity for gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.

WASHINGTON, DC - Frustrated by failed attempts to turn public support away from the president, congress today announced it would begin releasing completely fabricated documents and videotapes on Monday.Speaker Newt Gingrich addressed the press at the Capitol this morning. “We feel that with the release of all the documents from the Starr Inquisition, and the public still supporting the president, we need to take further steps in our neverending goal of overturning the 1992 and 1996 elections. On Monday morning, we will release a diary of President Clinton’s in which he claims to have had dinner with Adolf Hitler, Ayatolla Khomeni and Saddam Hussein, and later slept with them in the Lincoln Bedroom. He also claims in the diary, ‘Meat is murder, I am a communist, Die Capitalist Die!’ We will also release a doctored videotape showing the president strangling a litter of small kittens.”A CNN/Newsweek poll following the press conference showed a slight rise in the president’s approval rating.